rebusrms: Twisted and Sane

Just thoughts

2008-07-23T11:22:00.002-04:00

- what happen to religious freedom? you know free to go to any church you want... be in any denomination you want
- What happen to listening? Tony this one is for you. What happen to parents or others listening before forming opinions?
- what happen to listening 2? why don't my kids trust us enough to listen to what we have to say... we aren't trying to opose them like other parents who shall remain nameless.
- what happen to doctors who know what they are doing? My wife is sick and in pain and the doctor has no clue (direct quote from him) what going wrong.

Granted I don't expect answers, because there is none, none that would surfice.

update

2008-06-27T10:30:00.003-04:00

Just a note to say all is as well as can be expected. My parents think I'm still going to hell and Am allowing Satan to work in my life. I guess these good Southern Baptist are still upset with my and my wife's decision to join the Catholic Church. WE have been wronged so many times for a belief that has changed my life and is in the process of helping me exercise some demons out of my life. My depression is still strong and powerful but is combated with prayer and a Hail Mary. Since joining the church I have been able to see hope. I believe that God will grant me the grace to withstand and live within the depression. AS Paul knows our struggles are not always taken from us but we are told to live and work through them Sometimes he takes away inappropriate desires, like cutting, and all but takes it away with the exception of residual temptations.

update

2008-06-22T07:01:00.002-04:00

greetings

things are progressing with my healing from surgery...
enjoyed mass yesterday (can't exspress in words what it mean to me)...
Confessionn is such a powerful liberating sacrement that I don't understand why more catholics don't partake....
Tony I still love you like a brother...

work???

2008-06-09T19:19:00.002-04:00

Why, do I really still count for something in society? Some would say no since I am on SSI Disability. Some, less one sided folk, say I can volunteer and give my services away. When filling out forms I classify myself as an unpaid consultant. I have been given the opportunity to generate a web site for a local parish in Baltimore City. To say I'm exited would be an understatement. I love a challenge. It makes me feel alive. The people I get to work with are very kind and understanding and easy to get along with. Anyway, maybe one day when the site is launched I'll share the address.

Free man

2008-06-01T14:07:00.002-04:00

It is go to say that I have been allowed to leave the house by my doctor. I can go to mass and doctor appointments.

It was amazing to be able to go to mass yesterday. I had missed it so much. I can't describe the feeling of being able to take the Eucharist for the first time in a long time. I am so thankful for that gift.

Being able to see Stacy (DR. Taylor) my psychiatrist was also life correcting. I enjoy the work that we do. IT amazes me that she puts up with my garbage.

Julie has had the hard difficult task of changing my bandages. She has enjoyed watching the new growth of tissue but she still has to look at my ugly butt. A job I wish on no one.

surgery

2008-05-15T20:05:00.001-04:00

all will be happy to know that my surgery went well...
I'm still in a lot of pain but I'll get by.

I want to believe

2008-05-12T19:20:00.004-04:00

I can't wait. In my short lifespan of 37 years I only had two favorite tv shows. One was Homicide: Life On The Streets and the second, my all time favorite, was The X Files. I am so happy to see a new web page for xfiles.com

IN short I want to believe....

Pain

2008-05-07T16:38:00.003-04:00

Today I am in a lot of pain. My teeth do not like me. I guess I should of brushed them more regularly than what I did. I hope to have the tooth pulled Friday. It could all happen prior to my surgery on Wednesday. Fear not it is a minor outpatient procedure removing a few growths. I'll just be mesurable for a couple of days after the fact. Enough for now. May the blessed Mother pray for us all.

clarification

2008-04-19T10:08:00.002-04:00

just a brief clarification. Maybe I came off too strong with my last post. I can only say what is in my disclaimer, right or wrong this is how I felt and feel at that moment in time. Now my heart is crushed as I watch relationships destroyed. Some people have vowed to never to speak to the others and there is nothing I can do to change that decision. I even agree that a separation would be a good thing for all involved. I must thank my advisers with their difficult and heartfelt opinions. On another note my depression is now at an all time low. I'm watching two of my favorites battle their own sanity. I am alive just to show them that suicide is not the answer no matter how they feel. Yea I now it is hypocritical for me to say such a thing with my past littered with 10 attempts on my life alone. My new faith has made me stronger and wiser. Don't get me wrong I still want to cut on my arms and relieve the stress that I was placed in. I don't know if any of you ever deal with temptations that are so strong and morbid. I would guess some would. I'm standing only through the grace of God. My new faith has revolutionized my life. I have read more about religion then I have every read before, with the bible being the main book consulted. I can't understand why people just can't be happy for Julie and I. Instead of being happy for us they are wrongly taking the conversion as a personal attack, which is garbage. Julie and I never set out to harm anyone or heaven forbid hurt someones feelings. Knowing what it now would cost , I still would chose to dedicated my life to the church. It sure beat the alternative, death. May the blessed Mother pray for us all.

Unforgiven

2008-04-16T18:08:00.003-04:00

Just a thought regarding the video. the lyrics follow.... dedicated to my family members who want me to choice them over Julie... Sorry gang I'm going to choice my wife and believe her version of the story every single time without fail. She has never lied to me or stir me down the worng path. She is God's tool to guide me and direct me in His path. And for the record I am Proud to be Catholic, may the blessed Mother pray for us all.

New blood joins this earth
And quickly he's subdued
Through constant pained disgrace
The young boy learns their rules

With time the child draws in
This whipping boy done wrong
Deprived of all his thoughts
The young man strugggles on and on he's known
A vow unto his own
That never from this day
His will they'll take away-eay
Chorus

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never be
Never see
Won't see what might have been
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub thee UNFORGIVEN

They dedicate their lives
To RUNING all of his
He tries to please THEM all
This bitter man he is
Throughout his life the same
He's battled constantly
This fight he cannot win
A tired man they see no longer cares
The old man then prepares
To die regretfully
That old man here is me

Chorus*2

Never Free
Never Me
So I dub thee UNFORGIVEN
You labeled me
I'll label you
So I dub thee UNFORGIVEN
Never Free
Never Me
So I dub thee UNFORGIVEN
You labeled me
I'll label you
So I dub thee UNFORGIVEN
Never Free
Never Me
So I dub thee UNFORGIVEN

Its Official

2008-03-29T11:49:00.002-04:00

Yes, according to the title I am officialy a member of the Catholic church. I was confirmed at the Easter Vigil. I can't begin to say what type of moment that was for me and my wife. We will never forget taking the Eucharist for the first time, knowing that is the body and blood of our saviour. The whole service was amazing from the candle light to the music with an full orchestra. One part of the service was beyond explanation, but I will try. Picture yourself in complete darkness and the organ goes off with trumpets and the lights announcing the Resurrection of Christ. I have never been so moved. We still have four more weeks of RCIA classes, which Julie and I are looking forward to. They are set to focus on what we do now.

Rite of Reconciliation

2008-03-01T12:44:00.002-05:00

For the first time, my wife and I were allowed, through our RICA program, to receive the rite of reconciliation or confession. Growing up Protestant I was always taught that we can receive forgiveness through Christ without the benefit of a priest. That is true, one can receive absolution through Christ without another human being involved. Yet we are told in the bible that we are to confess our sins one to another. (James 5:16) The idea of confession is that the priest is the physical representative for God and through confessing to him one gains absolution when you and the priest pray to Christ for forgiveness.

I can't tell you what the experience was for me. What I couldn't absolve in countless hours of therapy occurred when I was blessed by Father Rob. I now believe there is hope to at least contain my disease of depression and anxiety. Don't get me wrong I still value Dr Taylor(Stracy) and the work that we have been doing. It just seems that healing has been accelerated by the confession of attempting to take my life 10 times in the past recent years. Father Rob prayed with me after reminding me to continue my work with Dr Taylor (Stacy). Once I was blessed I began to belive that my disease can be contained.

Sad news

2008-02-15T08:03:00.002-05:00

It is with a heavy heart that I must announce the death of my laptop. It gave up the ghost early this morning. There are too many problems to go into what caused its demise. The leading cause was a power supply issue. It was a special friend and companion to me for over three years. We saw some good times and some sad times. In short it helped keep me connected to the world and allowed me to blow of stress, confusion, and frustration. For the longest time, in the beginning, it was a constant Friend that went everywhere with me like Linus's blanket. It was a true friend. :-(

New Computer :-)

2008-02-04T09:49:00.000-05:00

greetings and salutations all

Just a quick note to try out my new computer system. The only difficulty I can find is getting use to the larger keyboard of a desktop system compared to a laptop. I had used a laptop keyboard for the past three years. There is a big differnce in feel and operations of such said keyboards. The 19' montior will be very easy to get use to.

On other news Julie and I will be confirmed into the Catholic church this Easter. We both are excited and looking forward to what lies ahead. We have been attending RCIA classses for the past month or so in preparations. (the classes continue past the Easter service) I know I don't talk much about religion, but today I'll make an exception.

Dealing with inner demons

2008-01-08T11:47:00.000-05:00

This song came from an album my daughter recommended (I'm so proud) The song is about dealing with or comming to grips with ourselves and our inner demons. I love the song.

Here is the video:

Here are the lyrics:
"The Kill"

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do? (Oh, oh)
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you (from you)

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside.
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance.
I know now, this is who I really am.

Ah, ah
Oh, oh
Ah, ah

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you.
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

Come break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)

(You say you wanted more)
What if I wanted to break...?
(What are you waiting for?)
Bury me, bury me
(I'm not running from you)
What if I
What if I
What if I
What if I
Bury me, bury me

Tranquillize

2007-11-27T14:38:00.000-05:00

It has been quite some time since I posted. Since that time a song has tormented my soul. click here to view the video: video The lyrics of the song follows. The whole song and its paranoid base speaks volumes to that which is the inner me.

Tranquillize
The Killers w/ Lou Reed

Time it tells living in my home town,
Wedding bells they begin easy
Live it down, baby don't talk that much,
Baby knows, but baby don't tease me.
In the park we could go walking,
Drown in the dark or we could go sailing
On the sea

Always here, always on time
Close call, was it love or was it just easy
Money talks when people need shoes and socks,
Steady boys, I'm thinking she needs me

I was just sipping on something sweet
I don't need political process

I got this feeling that they're gonna break down the door
I got this feeling they they're gonna come back for more
See I was thinking that I lost my mind
But it's been getting to me all this time
And it don't stop dragging me down

Silently reflection turns my world to stone
Patiently correction leaves us all alone
And sometimes I'm a travel man
But tonight this engine's failing

I still hear the children playing

Kick the can, kick the can, skip and blackjack
Steal a car and ring a round-rosey,
Rock and roll, candyland, boogeyman,
Run away and give me your sneakers

Acid rain, when Abel looked up at Cain
We began the weeping and wailing
A hurried high from pestilence, pills and pride,
It's a shame, we could of gone sailing
But heaven knows,
Heaven knows everything
Tranquilize

I got this feeling that they're gonna break down the door
I got this feeling they they're gonna come back for more
See I was thinking that I lost my mind
But it's been getting to me all this time
And it don't stop dragging me down

Silently reflection turns my world to stone
Patiently correction leaves us all alone
And sometimes I'm travel man
But tonight this engine's failing

I still hear the children playing
Dead beat dancers come to us and stay

Cause i don't care where you've been
And I don't care what you've seen
We're the ones who still believe
And we're looking for a page
In that lifeless book of hope
Where a dream might help you cope
With the Bushes and the bombs
Uh huh, Tranquilize

Hopefully I'll report back what all the above means. I think volumes could be written.

Father in law

2007-11-02T08:42:00.000-04:00

It is with much sorrow that I must relay the following information. My father in law, Bob Smith died Tuesday of a massive stroke. My heart and prayers are with my mother in law Alice. My heart breaks for her. I can't even imagine what she is feeling. I prayer for peace and comfort for her. My prayers are with my wife and her siblings. I pray they all can handle those things that need to be handled financially. I just want to say that I cared for him and learned a lot from him. He was always very kind towards me. I hope to do right by his daughter and to make him proud.

thoughts

2007-10-28T18:15:00.000-04:00

Just a few notes for those hurt and/or confused....

Julie and I have been praying for quite a few years. Our hearts are still His. Everything else is what it is.

New direction

2007-10-22T07:49:00.001-04:00

Julie and I have done some soul searching through reading and prayer. We have come to the following conclusion, we are or were in the wrong denomination with regards to church. The following is a synopsis of my journey to now.

I am a former southern baptist. I'm 37 married with three children all were baptized baptist. A few years ago I attended a semester at seminary in New Orleans. I had such a bad experience that I can trace back to that point as the moment my heart died as a protestant. I returned to Maryland ( my two younger kids were born with a cranial abnormality know as Crouzons) at the time my daughter was seen at Children's hospital in DC. Jump forward a few years and the birth of our son. We went to a pentecostal church.( speaking in tongues and what not) Still my heart ached. Through this entire time my Uncle, who is a devout catholic, stood by me through all the troubles with the kids and the suicide attempts, my own 10 to be precise. I have had three friends that were pastors in the baptist church. Each of them have fallen and betrayed my trust (not like my best friend 5 years older than me who molested me as a middle schooler). In short I have seen and experienced a lot of things. My wife has stood beside me. As of today I am disabled ( severe clinical depression) and searching. My Uncle is the only Christian I know of that I can count on. He suggested some time ago to pray and specifically pray to Mary. Since I have followed through with this I have had a stirring in my heart to follow his footsteps and embrace the catholic church.

How I feel...

2007-10-06T17:01:00.000-04:00

Just a song that has the passion and emotion that depicts how I feel.

I Could Fall In Love With You

2007-09-17T07:19:00.001-04:00

greetings and salutations,

Julie and I are making some changes to how we live our lives and kaos is sure to overtake us through this process. I just want Julie to know that amidst that kaos I still love her.

A new song off the new Erasure album. Andy's vocals are amazing and Vince's musical landscape is masterful.

Already Over

2007-09-09T12:58:00.000-04:00

this song has taken over my mind. Through the depression this song stands a top of it all. The song is like a balm on the broken skin of my mind.

Julie

2007-08-16T10:13:00.000-04:00

No matter how sick I get, you are a constant. This song is for you.

Batman

2007-08-13T16:40:00.000-04:00

I can not wait

One last breathe

2007-07-16T11:54:00.001-04:00

I'm sorry I haven't written in awhile. You would thinkg someone with so much going on his mind would write more often. Again I must rely on another to articulate my thoughts in recent times. This time I turn to Scott Strap of Creed( remember the 90's ?) As you can tell I have the video for the song cued up. Unerneath the video is a list of the lyrics.

One Last Breath lyrics
Please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I'm trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain't so far down

I'm looking down now that it's over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out heaven save me
But I'm down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain't so far down

Sad eyes follow me
But I still believe there's somthing left for me
So please come stay with me
'Cause I still believe there's something left for you and me
For you and me
For you and me

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking

Moving/ settlement

2007-05-26T12:57:00.000-04:00

Settlement had a few snags that did cause a minor meltdown on my part. Julie and I received a call 5:00 at the night before that we needed to come up with $1,000 and we freaked ( to use the vernacular) To make a long story short the title company, broker, and lender worked a few miracles and by the morning we owed nothing It was definitely a God thing. During that time period Julie and I were taken to the very edge of reason and back. The settlement itself took from 10:00am to 2:00 in the afternoon. I have never signed so many papers in my life time. The sellers didn't show til 1:30. They knew the title company was still using the morning to finalize the loan. As of 2:30pm Julie and I became home owners for the first time. :-) (In short we are in a hell of a lot of debit now) We are moving some small stuff this weekend and the big move will bed this coming Wednesday at 9:00am till.

A trip in the park

2007-05-16T20:41:00.000-04:00

A video of redeption and forgiveness. A great song, a needed one Thanks to Dave for the gift of the album.

House

2007-05-15T14:39:00.000-04:00

Just a quick note. Julie and I are buying our first house after almost 13 years of marriage. We thought it was time to become adults and acutally invest in propertity. I can't say that Sawyer Reality, who is our present lease holder, is going quietly. They want to charage us June Rent (we are moving on the 30 of may...way before June) and a termination fee of two month. The grand total is three months of rent at $900 or so a pop. As you can tell by me writting about this, I am pissed. Anyway things are falling into place. For example the house apraised for $40 more than wwe needed to cover our loan. I think that is a God thing. Something like that doesn't happen by chance.

Bling!

2007-04-27T11:27:00.000-04:00

I ran across this song in a time in my life that I needed a song to sing. The most compelling line is "How do you know your right when your not nervous anymore." So much power in one line. I'm suppose to be nervous. Things aren't suppose to feel settled. I'm not suppose to know everything.

X FIles Movie!!! Life is good

2007-04-24T08:48:00.000-04:00

“X-Files” Film Sequel In the Works
Posted by Sam on Monday, 23 Apr 2007 Written by: Samuel K. Sloan (SoSF Producer & Managing News Director)

It was nearly a year ago that we had writer/director/producer Frank Spotnitz on our show and even then we discussed the possiblity of a sequel to the first and only X-Files film that was based on the famous Fox television series of the same name.

We have also written stories over the last two years with comments from both David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson about another film with the two of them portraying their legendary characters of Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. Both have indicated an openess to returning to the roles that made them household names.

The problem with all these reports from us and other news agencies is a lack of confirmation one way or the other. In fact, even when Frank was on our show back in May 2006, he was unable to confirm anything for sure because he hadn’t been contacted by anyone from the studio system about doing another movie.

Now we are happy to report that Frank has confirmed things are starting to move in the direction of another film for the X-Files. On his blog he has stated that a script for the movie is underway.

“…the second “X-Files” feature is finally in the works. A script is indeed in development, but I’m afraid that’s all I can say.”

That may not be much in the way of X-Files news, but it is the first positive piece of information to come down the pike since “X-Files: The Movie” came out nearly 10 years ago.

Duchovny has just completed two film projects, “Things We Lost In The Fire” and “The Secret,” with a new television series in pre-production. Anderson can now be seen in the Academy Award winning film “The Last King of Scotland” and is preparing to star in the new movie “No One Gets Off in This Town,” which is in pre-production. So, with their current commitments, production for the next X-Files flick will need to be scheduled around those.

In some other Spotnitz news — a “Night Stalker” revival is in the works with the show to return in reruns on the SCI FI Channel this summer.

Spotnitz and Touchstone are working together on a new project that, for now, is being kept under wraps.

A song that plaques....

2007-04-05T10:03:00.000-04:00

Recently a song has bursted on my conscious and has not let go. It haunts me. Its from a band by the name of The Killers. (their fan club is called The Victims... hysterical) Anyway this song has such a deep meaning underneath the lyric. The musical landscape is vast and strong. The blending of the two is amazing. The listed authors of the song are Flowers, Keuning, and Stroermer.

Comatose- A feeling

2007-03-28T09:00:00.000-04:00

There comes times when I can't write what I'm feeling. Luckily, (if you believe in luck, not that I do...but that is another post)I can find someone else who wrote down exactly how I was feeling. The following song off of The album of the same name Comatose by Skillet accomplishes that task. The song was written by the lead vocalist John Cooper and producer Brian Howels.

Sure the song could be seen as a pray as well as singing to a special person here on earth. (love ya Julie)

"Comatose"

I hate feeling like this

I'm so tired of trying to fight this

I'm asleep and all I dream of Is waking to you

Tell me that you will listen

Your touch is what I'm missing

And the more I hide I realize I'm slowly losing you

Comatose

I'll never wake up without an overdose of you

[Chorus:]

I don't wanna live

I don't wanna breathe 'les I feel you next to me

you take the pain I feel

waking up to you never felt so real

I don't wanna sleep

I don't wanna dream 'cause my dreams don't comfort me

The way you make me feel

Waking up to you never felt so real

I hate living without you

Dead wrong to ever doubt you

But my demons lay in waiting

Tempting me away

Oh how I adore you

Oh how I thirst for you

Oh how I need you

[Bridge:]

Breathing life

Waking up

My eyes

Open up

Don't leave me alone

Meaningful Song #1

2007-03-14T09:32:00.000-04:00

This song means so much to me it is by a band by the name of Kutless. It's off their album (yes I remember vinyl)Heart of the Innocent. The song is written by Kutless and Aaron Springle

5. Promise of a Lifetime

I have fallen to my knees
As I sing a lullaby of pain
I’m feeling broken in my melody
As I sing to help the tears go away
Then I remember the pledge you made to me
CHORUS: I know you’re always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I’m clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime
Will you help me fall apart
Pick me up, take me in your arms
Find my way back from the storm
And you show me how to grow
Through the change
I still remember the pledge you made to me
BRIDGE: I am holding on to the hope I have inside
With you I will stay through every day
Putting my understanding aside
And I am comforted

Long time

2007-02-22T09:16:00.000-05:00

Sorry I've haven't written in a long awhile. I've been busy screwing up my life.
Quick Points:
1. Skillet Comatose is to be album of the year
2. much props to TobyMac for his latest album

Dread

2007-02-03T12:37:00.000-05:00

dread is a comfortable place once you become accustom to it.

Merry Christmas

2006-12-25T11:04:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas! One and all. There is always Christmas to cheer one up. Its fun to watch the kids opening gifts. Granted the only downside are the happy few running around wishing everyone a merry Christmas. You know those people. Those always happy and cherry folk. I despise them. :-)

thanksgiving

2006-11-27T16:20:00.000-05:00

greetings and salutations....
I hope all is well and thanksgiving was a relaxing holiday for all. More to come later. In case you are wondering, I'm ok. Just plain ok. Depression is not enjoyable.

2006-11-09T19:56:00.000-05:00

Entertaining Angels

a song for those who have stayed awake till the tv had nothing but static, contemplating the meaning of life

Fade to Black: A Poem of thought

2006-11-04T12:35:00.000-05:00

Fade to black
Turn the page
Yet alive and well
In your fantasy

Look before
Look behind
What do you see?
What do you perceive?

On the guard
Protecting lies
Who to ask?
Right before you

Play the game
Roll the dice
are you in?
are you out?

Life is free
Free to all
Grab and reach
Clinch and hold

Tumble down
Reach the floor
Spiral down
In the thick

Back to where
Reality is
Long way from home
The steps you trod

Longing for relief
A way out
Peace unseen
All out of bounds

Open the blinds
Sunlight in
Illuminate bright
Pray for grace

Rise and Lower: A poem of life

2006-10-20T12:44:00.001-04:00

Rise & lower
Gripped by grace
Holding on for dear life
Clinging to that which we hold dear
The storm begins

The wind blows
The seas crash upon the shore
To the rhythm of distress
The trees sway to and through
Gearing up for a fight

Darkness overpowers
Takes control
Gloom and doom
Are on the prowl
With hell in their sights

What more can be said
As the vortex spins
Vicariously out of control
Pray for an ending
Pray for respite

Magnificent love
Is all that remains
When the smoke clears
And the tide has turned
Resting on the shore
After the tempest

My heart aches

2006-10-20T12:43:00.000-04:00

My aching heart goes out to my friend and his wife. I can't make sense of their loss. How could they be asked of God to bury their 11 month old baby girl? What can be said to quench the fiery pain in their heart? I am at a loss of for words.

Education

2006-10-11T12:25:00.000-04:00

I am glad to report that I will soon meet with a diabetes educator as well as a dietician. I'm looking forward to see if they will validate my work so far. Julie and I have started our own diet (lost 20 pounds) and food journal. I'm praying we won't be asked to change to much. I'm hoping the hard part of changing diet began in the end of August. My doctor has approved my blood levels. She feels they are well with in the range they need be. (Yeah! The medicine is working) So in short we are progressing nicely.

Mini update

2006-09-28T12:21:00.000-04:00

To all the folks that have emailed me and or left feedback - thank you for taking the time to offer some assistance. I appreciate it.
:-) Since my last post, today actually, the instructor called and set up
two appointment for me. One is a general meet and greet and the other will
be with a dietitian. I hope to have some questions cleared up.

Help Prayer

2006-09-22T10:16:00.000-04:00

I come to you all confused and unsure. I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes last month. I have had a few people who have been life savers, giving me advice. I learned a lot from reading different books, blogs and help sites. I've come to end of my medication and I don't know what the doctors wants to do with the levels, stay the same or increase dosage. I have also yet to meet with a diabetes educator. My wife and I have been creating my diet from things we read and gleamed from the net. So I am waiting for my doctor to call and clear up a few things. The thing that scares me the most is the fact that my left arm shakes, not twitches it shakes when any amount of pressure is excreted on it. I'm shaking as I type which pisses me off. I make enough typos on my own I don't need a shaking arm's help to make mistakes. Wait a minute (he ponders evilly)I can blame all the mistakes on the shaking arm and not my naivete at the keyboard. Wow complications can be fun

Dog Chapman

2006-09-15T11:12:00.000-04:00

I am angry and outraged! FREE DOG CHAPMAN!!! A Christian brother who stands for good and decent things. FREE DOG CHAPMAN !!! FREE LELAND !!!!! FREE TIM!!! The charges are bull crap. Should we care about Mexican sovereignty? Why should we do them any favors?

Coming to grip with...

2006-09-15T11:10:00.000-04:00

I am coming to terms with the life style changes rout by my diabetes. I'm trying to see the changes as positive in nature. Looking at it any other way would serve no purpose at all. I'm learning a whole new way to eat. I'm able to check my blood sugar level & get an idea of what I should or should not eat. Counting carbs is not that hard, once you figure out how to read the nutrition information on the food packages. Now if I could get off the couch & exercise.

diabetes

2006-09-04T11:55:00.000-04:00

Well, I have news to tell. I have been diagnosed w/diabetes. With both sides of my family, mother & father, being prone to diabetes, it doesn't take a rocket scientists to discover how I ended up contracting the disease. I am reading and studying any thing I can get my hands on. I have yet to receive a call from a diabetes instructor. Julie and I are going by the little information given by the primary care doctor and what we unearthed at the library. We also have a cute little dvd from the makers of my glucose meter. Of course we scoured the internet for addition resources. Now we have a boat load of documentation to go through. I hope to feel more comfortable about coexisting with the disease.

parents

2006-08-03T20:20:00.000-04:00

Following is a e-mail I just sent to a friend of mine:

I need your help. I need you to pray for my parents, Earlier today they set out on a mission’s trip to start a new work in Cincinnati, they only made it as far as Howard County, MD when they were involved in a terrible accident; their trailer jackknifed their Durango (type of SUV). The trailer fell on its right side and slide down an embankment. The Durango flipped landing on its roof hanging my parents upside down as it crashed down into embankment. They are as well as can be expected. They are severely bruised but very much alive. They will be out of commission for a little while due to bruising and soreness. Despite losing their SUV and camper, which they had just paid off weeks before, they are in good spirits. My Dad is calling it a victory since they are still alive. My father amazes me to no end. Just when I would be asking God why, my dad, (after 17 years of dreaming to go on the mission field, finally out of debt with regards to the SUV and their camper, out on their first mission trip) still possess a humble, thankful heart. I guess I’m not too old to learn a lession from my old man.

Random thought

2006-07-21T11:38:00.000-04:00

I feel lost, dazed, & confused. It as if I'm in a spinning vortex of thought. I have long contemplated the duality of man, and its apparent inner civil war. I have ruminated on the various tenants of that such said civil war. No peace is ever to be seen on the horizon. It is but an illusion. As Paul wrote; I do what I don't want to do, and that what I do want to do I don't do. One is trapped. Man is caught between self idolatry and Spiritual renewal. Do we choose selfishness over sacrifice? Where do we stand?

2006-07-14T17:19:00.000-04:00

Alphaville-Forever Young

a song that always moved me... so much hope granted the youth... I miss that hope of eternal youth. In eternal youth I mean being free from the worries of Adulthood. I don't know about you but there are some things, painful things that I would love unlearning. Its hardest lyric is the last Do you really want to live forever? I don't know if I do

Update

2006-07-06T17:17:00.000-04:00

Life come at us fast and we miss a few things on the way. I wish there was a way to go back and pick up those pieces. I am not living in the past, I just wish we could take a look at those things that happen in our peripheral vision. What do we miss? What do we ignore? Nothing important just a thought.

Progressing: a poem of change

2006-06-24T12:35:00.000-04:00

Just a poem, short & sweet, nothing more nothing less. Feel free to analyze or just second guess my attempt at sanity. I know I do. My life has been; Tough days followed by even tougher days. Though I’m now resting in an enclave of accepted meritocracy. Even if I do say so myself, I enjoy the change of scenery.

Progressing
Moving forward
Inertia
After a brief deluge
into a downward turn
The search begins
Something
But what?
Answers are hard to find
Tired of losing ground
Fighting on till nothing is left
No stone unturned
Every inch
Every space
Right or wrong
The search moves on

Help, hold, close: A poem of weary

2006-06-04T20:55:00.000-04:00

Help hold close
Coarse Blood flows
Draining me
Draining you
Turn the page
Look behold
Standing There
Id awake & alive
Beating long
Beating strong.
Hold me down
Its water overtaking me
Circular the flow
Bringing everything down
To drown in its flow
Independent Thought
Gone without a trace
Void is a empty place

Nonchalant Dreams : a poem

2006-05-28T20:31:00.000-04:00

Melancholy myths
Nonchalant dreams
Lost in the wind
Tossed here and there
Reckless are our thoughts
Ramblings, nothing more.

Naked and laid bare
My humble heart
Crumbles and falls
Downward into dust
That is scattered and divided
Across an abysmal terrain

Who could see?
Who could hear?
Who could feel?
Who could know?
No one, no one at all
All are at a lost for words

Void and meaningless

Nothing to grasp
Nothing to sense

Flooded: a new poem

2006-05-17T21:04:00.000-04:00

Black clouds around me
Grief pouring down like rain
A puddle of regret rising
Over the dam of fear and loathing
All is lost. All is gone
Flooded
your intellect treads water
Your Base of reasoning erodes
Tossed in the troubled sea of agony
Steady me
Refill that which eludes
Eludes my consciousness
Homeostasis but a dream

Respite

2006-05-16T12:08:00.000-04:00

Just a quick note to say I'm still alive but in a writing slump. My mind is dry and dreary with only a small amber left. Let's brew some tea and read the leaves. What has God wrought? Nothing but a period of sweet respite.

A Busy Day

2006-05-11T11:08:00.000-04:00

Greetings and salutations to all,
As you can tell by the size of the blog, I've been busy today. I edited and republished my poems, from an older site. The old sight was commissioned in 2004 and ran to its end in 2006. Two years of my life was chronicled in this set of poems. This is the last time I will post so many entries in one day. I look forward to producing new material as soon as tomorrow. Please enjoy the trip inside the inner sactum of my mind. Keep your hands in the cart till the ride comes to a complete stop. :-)

A New Topic

2006-05-11T11:07:00.000-04:00

A new topic, one of worth.
From the ashes the phoenix rises
Can one hope for the same.
Indwelling within
A change or rebirth
Along come the birth panes
While one fights to break free.
Sparse random thoughts cloud my mind
Floating in floating out
A cycle of sorts
Neat and methodical
Just some random thoughts that come from the inner recesses of my mind
They trickle out from whence they came; cold and lifeless.
Return to sender the frontal lobe of reasoning retorts,
Just before another wave of thoughts come crashing down.
My mind fights itself, one on one.
A civil war, yet what war is civil

Rectify Me

2006-05-11T11:05:00.000-04:00

Rectify me
Correct my imperfection
Rectify me
Generate life anew

Is there retribution to be paid?
Is absolution but a dream?
Where is my salvation?
Where is my hope?

just a quick note of explanation…
where does our faith reside? When no one else is around. Where do we decided to dwell in? Quite the obvious that where we place our trust, when no one is looking, is where we live and dwell. I'm questioning mine. Is it time for you to question yours? If you have one to question.

Something - a poem

2006-05-11T11:04:00.000-04:00

Something new
Something old
What at all is?
Grappling at the dark
Stumbling in the void
Lost and alone

The wind blows
Blows strong
Carrying off
The wasted & disregarded
Those no longer needed
Those no longer wanted

Where do you stand?
If you are standing at all
Carried off or holding on for dear life
Take courage, take heart
Soon it will all be a memory
A sad sick thought

Trouble no more
Banished to the land
The land of recessed memories
Filed away with thoughts
Too deep too numerous
No one speaks

A well deep and wide
Vast and cavernous
Dark and forboding
Woe to you
Warning to all
Who dare to enter

Woo - a poem

2006-05-11T11:02:00.000-04:00

Listen to the voices
Listen to the cheers

"Woo" states the tiny inclination
"Woo" he cries out

Missing the message
Not getting a clue

Going into a deep disparaging
Dark decrypted hole

No one lives
No one survives

Pessimism reins supreme
On its high horse it roams

Forever and ever
For all of time

Finite and complete
You claw no more

The dark decrypted hole
Claims yet another victim

Tip of the Berg: a poem

2006-05-11T11:01:00.000-04:00

Raise your voice
Lift your heart
Redemption is neigh
Salvation is near
If only believed

Wide out, wide in,
Wide right, wide left
This docking procedure gone astray
Backing into a new vessel
One different than the one before

Reprehensible, some would say
Inconceivable others would state
What is is
That is all that is known
Safe to say safe to perceive

Distraction is but
Bereavement of the soul
Housing more than meets the eye
Tip of the berg
Nothing more

A Poem: Remorse, but a constant

2006-05-11T10:59:00.000-04:00

Just sitting and waiting
Waiting and sitting
Nothing more
Nothing less
My mind spins
It spins right and it spins left
It even spins up and down and all around

What a curious way to exist
What a painful way to live
Rushing thoughts running over
Spilling over the bream
Calculations made and remade
The game never ending
No end game in sight
What else to say
What else to do
No hope
Continuous
No respite
Nothing
Forevermore

Breathe no more
Breathe no more
The air is stale
The air is thick
Thick with regret
Stained with failure
Remorse but, a constant

Nothing more
Nothing less
Remorse but, a constant

writting, an explination

2006-05-11T10:57:00.000-04:00

Scribe writes
Scribbles down words

Thoughts to paper
In structure and style
Cathartic at best
Condensing at worst

The flow is
Strong and steady

Liberation of the heart
Valve of the mind

Release, Release
Sweet surrender

Greetings from the edge - a poem from inside

2006-05-11T10:56:00.000-04:00

Greetings from the edge
Think about all, think about some
What is thought, imaginations of the mind?
No, but torments in the key of past, present, and future.

The carnival merry go round
music box from hell chimes
With merriment and deceit
Dance, monkey, dance.

Lacking what is needed
Looking for what is lost
A caravan of fun is formed with
psychological baggage in tow

A Curious Plight

2006-05-11T10:55:00.000-04:00

Enter and spin
Sit and reflect
What is perceived can be
What is is.

Nervous and succumbed
Waiting for time
Time not being a friend,
Nor anything else.

Fear is all around
In the air,
On the ground,
And in between

My mind is mush
My heart is cold
Is there feeling
Or just a gapping hole

Full of emptiness
Nothing more
Nothing less
What a curious plight?

Tis but life

2006-05-11T10:53:00.000-04:00

Melancholy music plays melodramatically.
What say you as you dance the dance?
To and throw, back and forth the pulsating bass moves our internal paradigm.
Dance and dance some more; what fools we are?
Stability as of flux is all that is promised.
Saddle up and gear down.
We twist and pirouette in the wind.
What fools?

Nothing is new
Each move was once before
Recapture that which was
That which was the beginning
Close your eyes
Just move to the music
Sway with the melody
Tis but life, tis but life

Resistance is futile

2006-05-11T10:51:00.000-04:00

They are coming
Coming for me
Quietly I wait
Patiently I wait

No defense
No protection
They are coming
Coming for me

Surrounding me
Consuming me
Taking me down
Tying me down

Overwhelming the wave
Flooding washing away
Washing away all that is
All that is sane and safe

No escape no way out
Barricades breached
Defenses down
No fight left

They will win
I am at a loss
Resistance is futile
Resistance is futile

Hello, hello: A poem

2006-05-11T10:49:00.000-04:00

Hello, hello, am I alone
In the middle of a crowd
Surrounded by others
Lonely I walk

Goodbye and farewell
It has been fun
It has been well
As much as something can be

The flood gates of fear blast open
Spraying disillusionment from here to there
Erupting anger and resentment spring forth
Leaving nothing in its wake

Empty is the tank that fuels my soul
Barren and dry
My heart is blown by the win
The wind of despair

Finality slings itself in view
With death its muse
It is time
They state as a choir of many

We have come for you
Come to take away the pain
Time to say goodbye
Time to go and face the end

I bow my head and in submission
I follow into the fond good night.
Flanked by finality
Flanked by death

Turning Away

2006-05-11T10:48:00.000-04:00

Nothing
Emptiness

Could this be the swing that is desired?
Could this be the turning away?

Turning away from the fear and doubt
Turning away from the pain and frustration

I don’t know. I’m not sure
Maybe we are but in the eye of the storm

The storm is but in a break, a lull period
Squash your enthusiasm

Open your eyes
Reality is here

The worst is yet to come
Get ready the battle begins!

A poem

2006-05-11T10:46:00.000-04:00

Foreboding while being forbearing
Task master that it is
Condemning yet contrite and concise
Inquisitor with inquiries galore

Welcome to my mind
Welcome to that which I call my soul
Welcome into the mayhem and merriment
Welcome, sit back for a journey full of lows and slight highs

I know no else
I understand so little
Wind tends to blow only one way at a time
The sun sets always to the west

How ordered our lives
How formula-matic
We but reside with in
Devoid of controlling permission

Steady as she goes
Steady now
As if you have a say
As if you have an inclination of persuasion

Listen - cry for help

2006-05-11T10:43:00.000-04:00

Listen to the inner works of my mind
They turn and twist, those aging cogs
Spurn and sputter a constant state of movement
They are, never to rest

What’s on your mind?
Nothing yet so much
A paradox of existence
Try to define that which is indefinable.

Aborted thoughts, disregard themes
Nightmares and dreams
Clusters of failures and missteps
Run and run wild

Say that Say what
Say anything
Say something
Nothing to say

Empty I am, yet full of much confusion
Save Me if you can the knife is next

A poem: The thorn remains

2006-05-11T10:41:00.000-04:00

Yet I sit and wonder
pondering in confusion
what's next?
What's to become of me?
Closing ones eyes you see many things
,jumbled and dense
yet brilliant and precise,
the matrix of doubt, shame, and unbelief.

I look in the mirror and see someone I don't know
I didn't grow up with this person
I have warped into a enigma
A mystery of sorts
Who is this new person that stares back from the
center of the mirror with a look of faithlessness.

I know so much yet understand so little
where has my faith gone?
where have I gone ?
What a twisted foreboding path I trod
trapped within its strict perimeters.

Free indeed, yes
yet not a carte blanc free for all.
The thorn remains and has chosen to intensify.
Freedom needs to be redefined and placed into context.
I know not how to proceed.

The thorn remains, full of darkness and intensity;
An overbearing merciless task master.
My how many times we have cried for freedom
cried with all our HEART not to be healed,
but only to seek a meager sense of contentment.

Welcome, please don't attempt to understand
Just take a peek and be on your way
fulfill your curiosity and leave me be.
Don't play savior I need only one.

Speed Mental Rant

2006-05-11T10:38:00.000-04:00

What do I need?
What say you?
Dare to say anything else?
Speak, hold not you tongue

I think not
I know not
I’m in a knot

Twisted and turned
My heart my mind
Anger fumes
Despair waits its turn

Stand up stand up
Make way make way
Confusion marches
Marches upright and proud

No end in sight
No end is in sight

Aghhhhhh!!!
Feeding me rage
Feeding me hate
Feeding me resentment
Feeding me worry
Feeding me pain
Feeding me harm
Feeding me misery
Feeding me anguish
Feeding me

No end in sight
No end is in sight

A poem of thought and reflection…

2006-05-11T10:33:00.000-04:00

Transient thought glistens
A sacrificial pittance laid
As an offering

Despite its acceptance
Round and round
The cycle continues
Encompassing all with in its path.

No name and no face
Compassionless
Void

Scenes of war
Images past
Gone before
Laid to rest
Forever enshrined

Remembered always
Vivid and strong

Marching, marching
Treading mercilessly through its history
Following a resilient, strong push
A foray into the future

Control and dominance is its goal
Successful it is
Ah the noose tightens
A single breath is but a faithless wish

Relent and release
Let it go
Your life is devalued
Deflated needed no more

Burning Desire: A poem of thought…

2006-05-11T10:29:00.000-04:00

This burning desire
Continues, never ending

Unquenchable cycle
Ground never made nor achieved
Futility

Rage, numb
Uncertainty masked as indifference
Frozen never to be thawed
Tighten and fused
Sealed, locked

No more, no more
Answer my call
Answer my cry
Reach; reach out to my desperate last attempt of outstretched wounded and bleeding hand

The storm is brewing
The storm is stirring
This fire burns
This fire burns
under the bridge
Flowing freely
To and fro

Answers are quick and very wasteful
Words are varied and thanklessly void

No rhyme no reason
Just joyless meaningless nothing

In a world dark and grey

What is felt?
What is know
What is sensed?
What is shown?
What is free?
What is me?
What is need?

Void with no return
Void with no return

A poem for a friend- Have a Nice Day

2006-05-11T10:09:00.000-04:00

Pissed off
Yes, how are you?
Worried about your feelings?
What the hell about mine?
I am tired of being your servant
I am tired of yielding to you

I am done
I am so done
Have a nice day

I meant you no harm
I dare not caused you harm
Yet you’re harmed
I wonder is that my problem
I think it’s yours

I am done
I am so done
Have a nice day

Listen I cared for you
I looked out for you
I valued your opinion
Now that value is driving me into the depths of hell
Want to come with me? You started our decent

I am done
I am so done
Have a nice day

Listen to the inner works of my mind

2006-05-06T13:31:00.000-04:00

Abe Lincoln: Kindred Soul

2006-05-06T13:24:00.000-04:00

Abe Lincoln, president, savior of the union a solitary man, was a hero. After watching a three hour documentary on the life and times of Lincoln, I′ve grown to appreciated and admired, to a much greater detail, who the man was and what he stood for. It has been discovered that Lincoln suffered from a mental illness that left him at the pit of despair many times through out his life. Severe depression had its icy grips on him and the skeletal hands of suicide embraced Lincoln′s psyche. A tortured man was he. Yet to deal with what he dealt with brings me to a greater understanding of the turmoil he overcame.

In the annuals of misery loves company, I embrace Lincoln as a kindred spirit. Knowing that he overcame, or better said survived, his illness rekindles a desire to survive within me. It soothes my soul to know that such a great men dealt with what I deal with. There is a likeness between us that few can understand. If Lincoln was able to keep a nation together; I guess I can be capable to fight on as well. The desire to live despite failings is the lesson learned from Lincoln.

There were times when Lincoln was incapacitated by his illness, stopped cold. Yet it appears that life passed through Lincoln in such a way. Greatness occurred despite the battle that ranged on within him. Does that mean life can still propel us towards something despite the fact that we are incapable of movement? I don′t know.

2006-05-06T13:19:00.000-04:00

"Sometimes
Truth is harder than the pain inside
Sometimes
It′s the broken heart that decides"
(A wise and "happy" man was once quoted singing)

To say the above mentioned piece "Sometimes", from the duo Erasure, was steeped in meaning and twisted in melancholy would be an understatement. So much meaning, so much hurt, so much pain, so much exhilaration, so much restrained freedom. Truth is not always kind. The fear within us is sometimes stronger than anything around us. There are times that we are left with nothing more than pain, a broken heart and from that pitiful state of decay shattered in pieces we sit and must make decisions that affect our lives. Such wisdom comes from pain and sorrow intertwined with depression and hopelessness. Here I sit with my broken heart, deciding to live or die. The pain within my heart is so strong and powerful. Where is truth? Or better yet, what is truth? Sometimes that truth, depending on how you conceive it, is stronger than that which controls us. Through the pain we mush press on; what else is there?.

Pentacle

2006-05-06T12:59:00.000-04:00

Pentacle …

I′m sitting on the ledge of hopelessness dangling my feet in the water of despair. The weather is not quite hot and not quite cold. I am surrounded by a void or emptiness beyond explanation; one beyond comprehension. Road weary and tired from the climb, you see I haven′t always been at this place at this level. I came from much farther down where hope is dead and so are you. Looking out and up was not a viable option, a choice not given. Plateau obtained after a climb in which I crawled and clawed. Through the crucible of depression my impurities melt away. It′s a long baffling process that seems to end before it begins. Have I arrived? Have I reached the pinnacle.? I pray not. Though my heart still aches.

Notice the Energy: A new poem

2006-05-05T17:43:00.000-04:00

Notice the energy
Break through the complexity
A dance of light & shadow
The day is ended
Night has bloomed
Emptiness fills the void
Try as you may
Confusion is the prize

2006-05-04T14:43:00.000-04:00

Feel free to check out the new picture, said to resemble me, on the right corner of the page. The Daddy Doll , as my kids call him, is in the picture frame. Why yes I do look like daddy doll with one exception, I weigh a lot more than he does. Anyway enjoy your stay and I hope to post several pieces of the poetry in the near future. I may want to rant on various topics, as well as explain how Daddy Doll came into being. (cute story about my daughter)

Maybe I should take a mintue and explain. I am the father of three little monsters, Miss Emily, Miss Becky, and the male child Will. There ages are 10, 9, and 7 respectfully. They keep my wife Julie and I on our toes. To finish off the family we have two fuzzy friends Mr. Cat and Miss Cat. They are easier to get along with, much more so than the human kids .

Greeting and Salutations

2006-05-02T22:46:00.000-04:00

This is yet another attempt to transfer from my home website to here at Blogger, my new home. I hope to post some interesting, amusing, thought provoking posts. I love to write poetry, as well as lay a foundation for debate.

greetings

2005-07-19T12:01:00.000-04:00

greetings